Chapter 27

Knocking at my door, at this hour in the morning? What on god’s green earth did I do to deserve this?

I stumbled out of bed, hit my elbow against the door frame, and cursed my way to the front door. On the other side, there was Emily, smiling, holding coffee and muffins from a local bakery. I figured she’d make her way around, after speaking with her boyfriend. But, the next day? I mumbled a greeting, waved her in, went back to put on a sweatshirt and some jeans. And splash my face with some cold water.

The grin on Emily’s face confirmed why had made her way over. She had set out a couple plates, filled up a couple of mugs, and just sat there, waiting. I took my time, figuring it was fair payback for waking me up. I rarely slept in, and had planned to make this morning one of them. Looking at my clock, I realized how little extra time I got.

“Come on, you better start talking.”

“And what would like me to talk about, at eight in the morning on a Saturday? Morning traffic? There is none. The weather? You walked here, you tell me.”

“You know exactly why I’m here, so let’s just get to it. You were on a date. Finally.”

I started to laugh. She thought last night was a date?

“Um…no. Not a date. Not even close to one. I met Jeremy…Mr.Becker…to go over the last items for that paper I’ve been working on.”

That startled Emily for a second. Then her smile grew larger.

“You were with Mr. Becker? That’s definitely an interesting detail. All I heard was that you spent a good couple of hours having dinner with someone. And, from what I heard, it seemed like a social engagement.”

“Emily, I think your boyfriend was helping himself to too many samples while working last night. First of all, it was business. Second, I was with a GUY. Man, he must have been plastered, not just sampling.”

“Ha ha. You know he can’t drink while working. I’m more interested in what he observed. He said he’s rarely seen you so relaxed around someone. Well, beyond me and Julie. He said you were there for over two hours.”

“So, it was a long dinner? It isn’t a big deal, big enough to warrant an early morning interrogation. If I seemed more comfortable around him, maybe it’s because I am not his student anymore. Man, a date…please.”

While Emily laughed, I thought about last night. It had been oddly normal. Like hanging out. Comfortable. Just like my time with Julie or Emily. And that was rare.

“Sorry…I didn’t know what to think. I mean, it sounded exactly like a date to me. Long dinner, good conversation, laughter, non-stop smiling. It sounded like the best first date I’d ever heard of. And I wasn’t the only one who thought so.”

That brought me back to the conversation.

“What do you mean, you aren’t the only one who thought so?”

“Well, first of all, my boyfriend has seen his fair share of dates while working, and he was completely convinced. That’s why he brought it up. He thought I knew who you were meeting. And, since I had no idea what was going on, I had to ask Julie. So expect her to be calling sometime soon.” She sheepishly smiled, breaking off a part of her muffin. “Sorry.”

I sighed, but couldn’t help but grin. Nothing like nothing to get people worked up. And jump to conclusions. But, it’d take a while before Emily or Julie would let this one go. Even if it was completely ridiculous.

“Thanks, I can’t wait. Come on, you should have known from the get-go. Me? A date? When would that ever be the actual reason for me to meet a person for dinner? Besides, I’d have probably told you if I was going on a date…at least, I probably would have….”

“Ha. Ha. Please. I’d have to drag it out of you. One thing you’d never own up to is dating. So don’t even try to pass that one on me.”

It was true enough. If I were to date, I’d have kept it covert. Only because I’d be embarrassed by the entire situation. I had spent my entire life disparaging the concept, telling everyone I knew that I’d never subject myself to the horrors of those barbaric rituals. I believed it, still believe it. But, lately, I had to admit, I was thinking about it. At least abstractly. I had to.

My mom’s comments haunted me, a new weight which she had unconsciously placed upon me. I had thought, perhaps, that her words hadn’t meant that much, wouldn’t bother me as much. I had brushed them off thousands of times before, when my dad had poked and prodded. But, the words hadn’t left me alone. Instead, they had taken root, spread. And what I had once told myself impossible, well, now it was making itself more and more likely.

I sighed, as I thought about it, and realized that Emily was still sitting across from me.

“Deep thoughts over there. Didn’t mean to put you in a funk.”

“No, no. It’s nothing. Not really.”

“Sure. Nothing makes you look a bit pale and queasy. Of course its nothing.”

Emily looked at me expectantly. I knew she wouldn’t leave this one alone.

“Well, remember when I went home a few weeks ago? Wait, did I tell you I went home a couple of weeks ago?”

She just shook her head. It had been that long since we’d spent quality time talking.

“Sorry. It has been a while, hasn’t it? Well…I went home for a small break, and got home just in time to hear my sister’s new big announcement. She’s expecting again.”

“Well, that’s great news. That shouldn’t be making you look sick.”

“No…no. It is great news. I guess, well, it just brought up a lot of stuff for my mom. She was really happy, which I haven’t seen in a long time. I mean, she was laughing, she was planning, that was great. And then she started talking about dad. How much he’d have loved to see another grandchild. How much his first one meant to him…”

Emily caught on from there.

“Ahhh. So you’re mom dropped a few hints then, huh?”

“Yeah. Except there were a lot less subtle than hints. I mean, I know she was just caught up in telling me how she felt. But, it was basically asking me when I would get myself on the baby train. And, you know me. I wasn’t thinking about it. Ever.”

“And that’s changed now?”

“It has to. I don’t know why, I just know that it has to. Something about the way my mom spoke about it all. Wistful, hopeful. It made it impossible to be flippant. To go on brushing off my parents, telling myself that it’d be fine to live my life the way I see fit. I don’t think I’d be equipped to deal with their disappointment. And, well, it was impossible not to realize just how big of a disappointment I’d be, if my life ended up the way I originally planned.”

“I’m sure your mom didn’t mean to stress you out about this. Expect you to drop everything and start, well, sewing your seeds all over the place.”

I laughed. The image of me like that.

“Of course not. But at the same time, she’s made it pretty clear how important it ultimately is – how much she values family, kids, the continuation of things. And, as a product of it, I can understand why she might want to emphasize it. I just never thought I’d actually consider it.”

“Well, really, would it be so bad?”

“No. It’s, well, it’s just that, wanting the end product requires me participate in the crap it takes to get there.”

“Ahh…your ban on dating. Please. It’s not as scary as you think.”

“It’s more than that. It’s the dating, the meeting people, the attempts and flirting, of trying not to make an ass of yourself. It’s trying to figure out who’d actually hit on me.”

“Hey, it’s not always complicated.”

“Easy for you to say. You’ve already got the relationship. And you didn’t have to hunt for it. We just had to hang out at Delux enough times for you to get noticed.

“See? It could happen for you, if you just put yourself out there.”

I just glared at her.

“That’s horribly cliché.”

Emily laughed. She new it was true.

“Look, it’s not that simple. Never is.” And while I laughed with her, I thought about how uncomplicated things used to be. How it was simple, when I didn’t have to deal with decisions that shaped my future. Ignorance had been bliss. I just hadn’t known it.