Chapter 20
My final semester arrived with little fanfare. This was it – my last term as a free-wheeling undergraduate. Not that I ever was a free-wheeling undergraduate, but that was another issue all together. I could see the threshold before me, but wished to resist its inevitable pull. Crossing over it was just too significant.
The college deadlines came and went. I was paralyzed by indecision, and surely enough, with enough time spent waiting, a decision was made without any personal input. The status quo had been upheld and my life would now continue as planned.
Only one diversion remained: that paper. It was, in my mind, the best compromised; while I hadn’t heeded Mr. Becker’s career advice, I would still accomplish something he had encouraged. It wasn’t the same, but I was working hard on rationalizations as of late. Perhaps, if it was published, then my failures wouldn’t be so great – or if they were indeed great, they might at least be forgivable.
I spent a large portion of the winter break revising and reworking my analysis. It came together in a way I didn’t expect. Maybe it was the weeks away from it – while it was being graded and while I was preoccupied by the holiday traditions. But once I began, in earnest, the paper took on its own momentum, until I found myself once again filled with a solid sense of accomplishment. I felt good about this paper, good about this work. I was once again on a firm foundation.
With a new version ready to go, I contacted Mr. Becker. His assurances had motivated me to continue on, and it only felt right that he see the results. But a week went by without a response. It was unusual for him, since he had been so prompt in our other communications. Now I didn’t know what to do. Not wanting to pester him, I left it alone. After all, he had no real obligations to me now. But, after another week, I couldn’t resist, and I sent him another short email.
Mr. Becker,
I realize how busy you must be with the new semester. I was hoping to submit this paper after some input from you, if you are available. If not, I’ll speak to another professor, Please let me know. I appreciate it.
Two days later, a reply came.
--
Sorry for my delay. I apologize, but right now I am unable to review your work. Please feel free to show it to others; I’ll try and get you comments when some more time becomes available.
Mr. Becker
Confused, I put everything on hold. I probably didn’t have any reason to feel as angry as I did, but for the first couple of days, I fumed. He had encouraged me to pursue this, and pushed me into exploring all these avenues. And now, he seemed indifferent. He had offered assistance, and now, when asked, seemed put out by the request. Bastard. I felt betrayed, even if there were no promises. Maybe it wasn’t fair, but I now felt more assured of my decision to walk away from all of it. I guess even idols are human – but, for those who idolize them, this revelation is the most bitter of insights. I may have disappointed Mr. Becker first, but now we were even.
The college deadlines came and went. I was paralyzed by indecision, and surely enough, with enough time spent waiting, a decision was made without any personal input. The status quo had been upheld and my life would now continue as planned.
Only one diversion remained: that paper. It was, in my mind, the best compromised; while I hadn’t heeded Mr. Becker’s career advice, I would still accomplish something he had encouraged. It wasn’t the same, but I was working hard on rationalizations as of late. Perhaps, if it was published, then my failures wouldn’t be so great – or if they were indeed great, they might at least be forgivable.
I spent a large portion of the winter break revising and reworking my analysis. It came together in a way I didn’t expect. Maybe it was the weeks away from it – while it was being graded and while I was preoccupied by the holiday traditions. But once I began, in earnest, the paper took on its own momentum, until I found myself once again filled with a solid sense of accomplishment. I felt good about this paper, good about this work. I was once again on a firm foundation.
With a new version ready to go, I contacted Mr. Becker. His assurances had motivated me to continue on, and it only felt right that he see the results. But a week went by without a response. It was unusual for him, since he had been so prompt in our other communications. Now I didn’t know what to do. Not wanting to pester him, I left it alone. After all, he had no real obligations to me now. But, after another week, I couldn’t resist, and I sent him another short email.
Mr. Becker,
I realize how busy you must be with the new semester. I was hoping to submit this paper after some input from you, if you are available. If not, I’ll speak to another professor, Please let me know. I appreciate it.
Two days later, a reply came.
--
Sorry for my delay. I apologize, but right now I am unable to review your work. Please feel free to show it to others; I’ll try and get you comments when some more time becomes available.
Mr. Becker
Confused, I put everything on hold. I probably didn’t have any reason to feel as angry as I did, but for the first couple of days, I fumed. He had encouraged me to pursue this, and pushed me into exploring all these avenues. And now, he seemed indifferent. He had offered assistance, and now, when asked, seemed put out by the request. Bastard. I felt betrayed, even if there were no promises. Maybe it wasn’t fair, but I now felt more assured of my decision to walk away from all of it. I guess even idols are human – but, for those who idolize them, this revelation is the most bitter of insights. I may have disappointed Mr. Becker first, but now we were even.
posted by the silent observer @ 2:34 PM
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