Chapter 18

My “school family” was having our traditional holiday get-together. With school over for the semester, and just a couple days before I would return home for break, Emily, Julie and I met up for some food, some reminiscing, some respite from holiday hell.

Mr. Becker’s advice gnawed at me constantly. But, even with the explicit encouragement, I couldn’t take the steps. I had begun work on my paper, but the applications were put off. It was too late, I told myself, and pointless. It wasn’t the life I planned. Pursuing academia wouldn’t help me keep the promises I had made.

I had taken one of the internships. I would move to New York the following fall to begin work consulting. It was a coveted position, and I had been lucky. They had liked my non-traditional background and my analytical skills. Things were, they seemed, falling into place.

I was haunted by two people now, my father and Mr. Becker. I felt I had the potential to disappoint both. My promise to my father was something I held onto fiercely; to follow Mr. Becker’s advice threatened my ability to achieve everything I had originally mapped out for myself. But, in following the standard narrative that I had so meticulously planned, I was disappointing someone else I truly admired. It was obvious who I was more accountable to; still, I hated knowing that, out there, I had failed someone.

Since Emily’s boyfriend was working that night, we went to Delux, so if he had a break, he could join us. Julie, out of another relationship, was more than glad to be out and about, and promised quite fervently that tonight would flirt-free, as she was “off guys” for the time being.

I hadn’t spoken with Emily since our evening at the coffee shop, and Julie had been MIA while dating her last boyfriend, so I had to fill them in on my suddenly solidified plans. And while they congratulated me wholeheartedly, they both seemed hesitant about my new career path. And I noticed.

“Hey…what’s up? I mean, yeah…it’s not the most glamorous thing in the world, but it should lead to great opportunities down the line.”

Julie spoke up first.

“Yeah…but, come on. Are you really interested in that type of work? Is that really where you want to head?”

I was surprised to hear this from Julie. She was, in my mind, on a very similar path.

“This, from you?” I laughed. And she did as well.

“Hey, I like what I do. I like the research, the reports. I get them, and they’re really fun, in a kinda twisted way. But, I feel I need to be a good friend here, and tell you that, you are the last person I can think of who would enjoy it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Really. Look…while there are certain things about my work I enjoy, it is also filled with a lot of stuff that, I know, would bore you to death. Compiling charts and data, tracking down research for your project managers, making sure they get everything exactly the way they expect it. Then there’s the stuff that would undoubtedly piss you off; answering to people who never listen, getting run around by bosses who can never seem to plan ahead. You’d go ballistic within three months…four months tops.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” I knew she meant well, but my patience was running a little thin at this point. “Glad to know I just signed up for something you think I’ll really hate.” I tried to say it light-heartedly, but I should have known better. As I was learning day by day, I wasn’t the master of disguise I thought I was.

Julie looked at me, and she became serious. “Hey, hold on a second. I am really happy for you. But, in the years we’ve known each other, we’ve also gotten to know a lot about each other. I just want to make sure that, when you go, you know what you are getting into.”

I relaxed again. Julie was right. I should know myself better than this. But I knew why I thought this was the best way.

Emily broke in. “Julie and I both know how much you think this is what you should pursue. But, I agree with her, I don’t think this is for you. Look at what you’ve spent most of your semester doing. You really got lost in your work, especially with that research paper in Mr. Becker’s class. I haven’t seen you take on something with…well…with such dedication. You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about other options, especially after that class.”

I sighed, toyed with the pasta sitting in front of me, twirling it over and over again with my fork. How was it that my friends were seeing me more clearly that I could?

“How about this…let’s play ‘what if’ for a minute….” I looked at Julie first. “Julie, what if, knowing what you know now, you could do it all over. Would you do it the same way?”

Without hesitation, she answered, “Absolutely.”

I wasn’t expecting that, though I probably should have. So confident, so sure. Julie had always known what was in store for her, and how she would get it. And usually, things just fell into line for her. And I really wanted that.

“I really do enjoy most of what I do. Sure, it might seem rather dull, but it’s really great to be doing something you feel good at. My job has made me realize that the stuff I learned has purpose. And I get to see what that purpose is. That’s important…really important, especially at the end of the month, when I have to write that check for my loan repayment.”

“And, how about you, Emily? Same question.”

Emily took a bit more time considering. “Well…that’s hard to say. I’m not trying to be evasive, but I see it more like this: I am headed somewhere, but I’m not there yet. Asking ‘what if’ at this point in time would be, well, irrelevant.”

“Well, what if, when you get there, you don’t like where you ended up?”

“Well, then you just find a new place to head.” So simple. I know it wouldn’t be for me, but in Emily’s case, it would be. She’d change direction without regrets, only optimism for the future.

Julie and Emily turned the conversation back on me.

“And you, what if you had it to do over again?”

I sighed again. I had thought about this question too often in the past week or so. “What ifs” filled my head, occupied me day and night, and had led me no where.

“I dunno. Sometimes I think I’d change everything. I’d wipe the slate clean and start over. I’d focus on one thing, damn the rest, and just go for it. And then, sometimes, I think I’d leave everything as it is. I’ve been exposed to a lot of different things, and it has wetted my appetite for more. Actually, if I had my way, I’d win the lottery, and stay in college. Get another couple of degrees.”

Emily laughed. “It wouldn’t surprise me at all.”

“Mr. Becker told me to think about it, actually.”

That caught their attention.

“Yeah, at my meeting a couple of days ago…he told me I should apply to grad school. In fact, he thought I was planning that all along. He seemed really surprised that I wasn’t pursuing it. More than surprised, actually….”

“Really?” I could see Emily smirking.

“Wait, what did I miss?”

So I relived the last couple of weeks, bringing Julie up to speed. But, even in its hundredth repetition, I had no clearer idea of what I felt about the entire situation.

“So, did he say anything else?” Emily and Julie both looked at me expectantly, but I had no information to give. Mr. Becker had been considerate, friendly, but professional. And it had left me feeling rather foolish about entertaining any idea of something more. And talking about it now made me more certain that I had let my imagination run away with me.

“No…I didn’t pay much attention after he told me I should submit my paper for publication. The grad school thing threw me as well…especially since he seemed so disappointed that I hadn’t considered it. He didn’t say anything or do anything inappropriate. It was just a misunderstanding. That’s it.”

“Well…it would make a great ‘what if’, wouldn’t it?” Julie’s eyes had lit up like twinkling lights, filled with flirtatious joy. “What if a professor took personal interest in you? I’d entertain that fantasy for a while.”

I stared at her blandly. “I thought you were swearing off romance and dating…”

“For the right person, I’d start right up again. Besides, it’s just fantasy. And it’s nice to indulge once in a while.”

Perhaps she was right. But, indulging in this kind of fantasy threatened to open a very ominous pandora’s box. I had enough confusion in my life right now. Right now, I had to decide if my life, as I had planned it, was really what I wanted. I had to see if I could take a leap – one that everyone around me was encouraging me to try. My father’s advice floated back to mind, and I thought, perhaps, this was what he meant. This was my chance to take a risk.