Chapter 28

Just a few hours left. Then, pandemonium.

I took refuge at the coffee shop; it would be a few hours to myself, before the arrival of family – my mom, my sister and her family, both sets of grandparents – and the commotion of graduation. Once that momentum started, there would be no rest, no lull, until the weekend was over.

It snuck up on me, graduation day. After the end of classes, the days bled from one to the next, undifferentiated with their lack of schedules. I puttered around, sorting through old papers and books, as if, by doing so, everything else would some how follow suit.

I felt unsettled, even though most things in my life were already in place. It should have been a relief – no worries about where to move to, what I would do once my diploma was in hand. I should have been excited, I should have felt carefree. So many should haves; I was everything but what I should have been.

I sipped my coffee absently, toyed with the papers in front of me. The beginnings of my work for the summer, which I couldn’t concentrate on. And so the minutes clicked on by as I sat, reading nothing, thinking too many thoughts.

A shadow fell across me, I guessed at its owner. And, a few seconds later, I found out I was right, as Jeremy took a place in the opposite chair. Another thing I should have been – surprised. I wasn’t.

“This is becoming a routine.”

I smiled at him. I had seen him a few times in the coffee shop now. With increasing frequency, now that classes were over. Usually, it was a short conversation, the obligatory hello. I spent my mornings here. He just seemed to pass by. I guess today was different.

“Routine is a nice way of implying that I spend a lot of time here.”

He laughed, settled in his chair. And for a while, we talked. But I had a hard time keeping up, hard time staying light and friendly. My mind kept wandering, asking itself questions without answers, too many what ifs.

He was animated today. More than I was use to. It emphasized how sluggish I felt, so out of sync. As if I had just woken up, and definitely not reflecting the two cups of caffeine I had put inside me. I was trying. But I couldn’t get back in tempo.

“Graduations are usually exciting things.”

I blinked. I must have missed something.

“Excuse me?”

“Well, usually, when people graduate, they look forward to things. They talk about their plans. They laugh about how hard it was. They maybe spend a few evenings drinking. They smile incessantly, feel a bit giddy until they pick up their diploma. They don’t look as though their favorite pet has just died.”

He noticed. I knew he would. It wasn’t that hard to imagine what I looked like, given how I felt. But I didn’t need an old professor, and current boss, seeing me this way. I needed a rewind button. I should have stayed at home today.

I gave him a half-hearted smile, tried to brush off his observations. A couple of late nights, worrying about timelines and events to keep my family busy and entertained. Coffee not kicking in. He didn’t buy a word of it.

“You know, sometimes you can over think things.”

I was startled. Kinda right on.

“Why do you say that?”

“Probably because I’ve done the same often enough.”

“I imagine that the things you were ‘over-thinking’ warranted it. Mine probably don’t.”

“That is usually why it is so easy to let those things take on a life of their own.”

“And so hard to ignore?”

“Definitely.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. He was keeping things light. And, looking over at him, smiling broadly, it wasn’t that hard to let some things go, if just for right now.

“So will you be at the department ceremony?”

His smile faded just a little. For a second, I feared I had killed the atmosphere.

“Sorry. I’ll take that as a no. Probably shouldn’t have asked.”

“No. Well, I mean, no, I won’t be going. But, also, no, it’s not a problem that you asked.”

“Do you mind, then, if I ask why?”

“Well, to be honest, I find them a bit depressing.” He shrugged a bit, as though he were embarrassed by the revelation. “For students, and their families, graduations are great experiences. They’re celebrations of a great achievement. But, from where I now stand, it is watching another group of students leave. It is another round of goodbyes. I don’t do well with goodbyes.”

He looked at me, expectantly. Maybe he thought I’d laugh. Maybe he thought I’d argue with him. But I understood, all too well.

“It’s understandable. Believe me. I don’t really do goodbyes either.”

My cell phone went off. My parents...no, my mom, was here.

“So, I have to go. Celebrations are about to begin.”

“Ahhh. Well, good to see you. And let me be the first to say congratulations.”

“I…well, I appreciate that. Thanks…but congratulations will be deserved only after I survive 48 hours of managing a roving group of family members.”

He laughed.

“I’ll contact you in a couple of days to set up a summer meeting schedule. Have a great time. And relax.”

“I can try. Alright, until next time….”

I waited a second. Then decided I could tease him a bit. “Goodbye.”

He looked up at me. Paused. I saw him, opening his mouth to say something. Gotcha.

“Oops…sorry about that…how about, I’ll talk to you later.”

I smiled innocently as I headed out. I heard him chuckling as I left.